Supporting You
Guidance for those helping someone through a mental health crisis.
Summary
Helping someone with suicidal ideas is similar to trying to rescue a friend who is drowning. The priority is that you do what you can while staying safe, and let a whole group of people and professionals try to help. This includes you, but should not be only you if possible. It is stressful and you will have many emotions, all normal.
Every Contact Counts
- Reaching out creates a powerful protective connection
- Repeated messages and ongoing contact reduce suicidal thoughts and risk
- Care from someone known and trusted is especially protective
- More people staying connected reduces suicidal thoughts, plans and actions. This is proven by research
Your Role
- You are providing emotional first aid, not professional treatment
- You are not responsible for outcomes and cannot control another person's actions
- Your role is to reduce isolation, maintain hope, and help keep the person safe
- Messages can be sent as provided or adapted into your own words. You are not alone, as these messages are medically approved.
- Unless the risk is moderate to high, you do NOT have to follow the usual advice of persuading the person at risk to talk to someone else or go somewhere else for help. This is when your shared inner circle has the answers.
Essential Boundaries to Set
- "I can listen for 20 minutes right now, but then I need to focus on my own work/rest."
- "I care about you deeply, but I cannot be your therapist. I can, however, help you find one."
- "I will be putting my phone away at 10:00 PM to sleep, but I will check my messages as soon as I wake up."
- "I can help you with your groceries this week, but I can't help with [other task] right now."
- "If I don't reply immediately, it's not because I don't care; it's because I still have all my other obligations"
Warning Signs of Supporter Burnout
Burnout happens in life when the stresses of life exceed the emotional rewards of life. Here are some of the symptoms:-
- Compassion Fatigue: Feeling numb, indifferent, or "bored" by the person's distress.
- Intense Irritability: Finding yourself snapping at the person or feeling deep resentment toward their needs.
- Hyper-vigilance: Being unable to relax or enjoy yourself because you are constantly waiting for a crisis text.
- Sleep Disturbance: Dreaming about the crisis or being unable to fall asleep due to worry.
- Withdrawal: Pulling away from your own support network because you feel "no one understands."
Common Feelings for Helpers
- Fear, anxiety, uncertainty, overwhelmed, and exhaustion are normal
- Many people worry about saying the wrong thing or intruding
- Feeling resentful or burdened can occur and does not mean you don't care
- Very unsure what to say next (see Help Choose)
How Common This Is
- Many people will support someone with suicidal thoughts at some point
- Suicide and attempts are common causes of death and injury, especially ages 15–45
- Suicidal thoughts may be brief or may last weeks or longer
- Literally millions of Sri Lankans have had strong thoughts of suicide
What to Say
- ✓Express care, concern, and willingness to listen
- ✓Reinforce belonging, importance, and hope
- ✓Acknowledge pain while reminding them that people heal over time
- ✓Emphasise they are not a burden and are wanted in your life
- ✓Help Choose will guide you if you wish
What Not to Say
- ✗Do not judge, shame, dismiss, or minimise their feelings
- ✗Do not compare their pain to others or your own
- ✗Do not tell them they are selfish or seeking attention
- ✗Avoid arguing with their feelings while gently offering a different perspective
Involving Others
- With consent, involve trusted family, friends, lived-experience supports, or professionals
- Anonymous discussions with friends and crisis lines help you deal with the pressure
- Without consent, involve professionals if risk is high — safety comes first
- People are often grateful later that others were involved
Help for You
- Support is available from people with lived experience and crisis services
- You can seek advice from crisis lines even if the person refuses professional help
- International crisis resources are available via www.Befrienders.org
Looking After Yourself
- Supporting someone suicidal is stressful and can be exhausting
- Read some of the Lived Experience websites
- Search the Net for "Support for carers" or similar topics
- Talk to friends, with or without mentioning names as appropriate
- Maintain your normal life routines
- Share responsibility — many people doing a little helps more than one doing everything and protects everybody
If They Stop Replying or Risk Increases
- Seek professional or crisis-line advice if you are very worried
- Call emergency services if you fear imminent harm
- Reduce access to means where appropriate and safe
Important:
When their life is at risk, it's extremely important to involve professional help – even if they ask you not to. When the person you care about is no longer in emotional pain or in the grip of depression, they will be very glad you took steps to protect them from self-harm.
If the Outcome Is Negative
- Reaching out still mattered and was the right thing to do
- Not all attempts or deaths can be prevented despite multiple people's best efforts
- Ongoing strong connection is especially protective after an attempt or hospital discharge, a time of very high risk
- If someone has died, www.aftersuicide.com.au gives a letter of explanation and comfort from the author of this website Dr David Horgan (retired)